There are 145.9 days until my 40th birthday..

What's that? I don't look old enough to be staring the four-oh (or my preference, the big four-oh-fucking-shit-how-did-this-happen) in the face? You're kind, friend.. Real, real kind.

I'd like to thank the Academy, my parents for a decent gene pool and Garnier Ultra-Lift moisturiser. Okay, who am I kidding? I'd really like to thank all the little people that I've stepped on en route to the age that apparently is the new 30 or 20 or whatever people are saying these days.

Can I just take the time to say that I don't really care that 40 is the new 30 because uh, I thought 30 was old when it was the new 20. Call me when 40 is the new 18. Saying that - my life really found awesome in the last year, so maybe 40 is really only the new 39?

Ponderous.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes - I was about to say fuck it - I have 145.9 (probably 149.8 by now) days to worry about whatever the 'essence of 40' is and what that means to me and how it will affect me. I'm guessing it won't make that much difference. But if it does, please don't remind me that I said it wouldn't.

Thanks.

Anyway.. what I really wanted to talk about is cooking and puppies and what sort of trouble the boyfriendliest and I should try to find over the upcoming weekend while balancing the needs of three people under 5'2".

In other words, I'm going to ignore the next 145.9 days. Although, I suppose a bit of cake pre-planning wouldn't hurt!

Speaking of cake - the only cake I will deign to eat is red velvet but only in the form of a cupcake and even then I will only eat half. I know, I know.. Trust me, I'm not trying to be cake-ist, it's just not my thing.

Oh and.. Apparently pie is the new cupcake just like 40 is the new 30. I'm guessing the cupcakes of the world are fucking thrilled to hear that they're no longer cool. Poor cupcakes, it was fun while it lasted, huh?

Ooh!  Remember how Turducken was all the rage about four Thanksgivings and Christmasses ago? (so popular that you can now order a ready-made turducken from Marks & Spencer because who doesn't love mass-produced combined meat products?) Well now there's Cherpumple - three cakes and three pies in one. A cherry pie baked inside a chocolate cake, an apple pie baked inside a yellow cake, and a pumpkin pie baked inside a gingerbread cake.

A vomit baked inside a fart would suit me better. Ick.

Have you heard about the sex scandal featuring Anthony Weiner, a member of the US House of Representatives...? He's a democrat (one of my people, I'll happily admit) and he's in some deep mother-effing trouble. Heh.. I just got to type weiner.

Weiner, Weiner, Weiner.

Weiner admitted June 6 in New York that he engaged in "inappropriate conversations" with six women over the last three years, including by e-mail, on Facebook and Twitter, and on the telephone with one of the women. He was quoted by the New York Post on June 9 as saying he had no plans to give up his House seat.

Friday night on Real Time with Bill Maher, he and "Jane Lynch performed a dramatic (and totally, awkwardly verbatim) reading of Anthony Weiner’s Facebook exchanges with Las Vegas blackjack dealer Lisa Weiss, complete with flirtatious looks, moaning, and Jane Lynch’s smooth comic brilliance. And trust us, when you have a script this good, it doesn’t matter that Maher is giggling uncontrollably to himself. Click through to watch the video, but be warned: as you might expect, the audio is definitely NSFW." (from Flavorwire) (Full transcript of the saucy naughtiness here)

Oh how I giggled.



ps - My throat and entire left side of my head hurts. Please send help, preferably in the form some kind of chocolate and peanut butter combination. xoxo

Holy shit.. Tetris is 27 years old.

Kill. Me.

Hmm.. the new must have books on parenting?

One should note that even though I'm posting this list - my children are blissfully too perfect for me to need these books. They're still funny ha ha, though. I think I might add Go the Fuck to Sleep to my collection which already includes Everyone Poops, The Gas We Pass (The Story of Farts) and an odd assortment of books on snot.

Baby Get Me Some Lovin' by Lisa Brown: If you're a new parent, you know how hard it is to get quality alone time with your partner. Instead of blaming the kid, put him to work! This handy manual will teach your baby how to set the mood for an intimate evening (and then make himself scarce). Thanks, Baby!

Baby Fix My Car by Lisa Brown: Are you a parent? Are you tired of driving around in an old wreck of an automobile? Never fear - help is on the way. This book will teach your little ones the ins and outs of basic repair. It's quick, easy, and best of all, much cheaper than your local garage. Thanks, Baby!

Can I Give Them Back Now?: The Aargh to Zzzz of Parenting by Joanna Simmons: A is for Anxiety, Alcohol and awful Activities. B is for Bedtime, Baking and Boredom. C is for Childcare and Cooking With Your Coat on. N is for Not Swearing (bloody frustrating) and S is for Soft Play Places, Sniffing Babies' Arses (to see if they've filled their nappies - are there not easier ways of finding out?) and Sex (see also L, for lack thereof).

The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I’m a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

From Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach

Whenever I'm feeling a bit lacklustre, I just look at my favourite item from the SkyMall catalogue. That's right, friends.. it's the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System  (not just a product, but a system)...!

I just can't stop laughing about the look on the cat's face!  Is it concern? Is it relief? Is it that look that you and I get when we're concentrating on not falling through the toilet seat?

What? You've never had to try and not fall through the hole in the toilet seat? Umm.. you need to drink more.

But I digress. Look at all the kit it comes with? Four seat inserts, some kind of pee/poop target, a DVD and a leaflet.. Simple, right?

I don't think so. No wonder the poor cat looks like that.  It's the cat version of, 'You're fucking joking, right?'

Rock on, mighty cat, rock on.

ps - Don't even get me started on the 'Kitty Kat Loo with Solution' ... with Solution? Is it a freaking puzzle?

pps - I just totally typed the words pee/poop target with a straight face. I've grown as a person today, I'm sure of it.

Unicorns are real. They're just fat and grey and we call them rhinos.

"One-sixteenth of the time people are happy. The rest of the time they’re not. So if you start to avoid all the things that cause unhappiness then maybe there’s a small chance you can improve the ratio in your favor."

"Always look back and ask yourself: “Am I smoking crack?” Every day check the ashtray. Is there crack in there? Delusions will keep you from making progress. Then suddenly, no money, no friends, no  PR. It’s just you on your bed smoking your last piece of crack, hanging onto the lonely panties of the last hooker who left you alone. This is your mind on crack."

Nine Ways to Guarantee Success (and Failure)

You may thank me later for opening your mind and helping you succeed. I'm nice like that.

Hey, stay sexy friends and enjoy your weekend in Bejebus's glorious sunshine, okay?