Okay, so being a bit of a nerd, a lover of books and always willing to at least listen to advice from others... I thought I'd see what books on step-parenting are out there and if any of them looked interesting and/or helpful*.

I have the Kindle app for my iPhone, so I was dicking about on Amazon, looking for those nice free sample chapters that I can peruse at my leisure to see if a book seems interesting or something I wouldn't mind paying for or at the very least borrowing from the library**.

So I search the Kindle store for the simple term 'stepmother' ... here are the results I received in order. You don't actually get to a "normal" self-help type book until result number ten!

• The Stepmother's Sinfully Sexy Surprise  
• The Young Step-Mother
• The Stepmothers Sins
• My Stepmother's Surprise Seduction - An Erotic Novella
• Taboo: Step-Mother's Desperate Measures  
• The Ambitious Stepmother
• The Stepmother Gangbang
• The Wicked Stepmother: A Novel of Erotic Discovery
• The Spanking Stepmother 

Now, it's not that I'm not ambitious or young ..because I totally am. 

But I'm not really all that sinful or desperate or taboo or wicked or even one who likes to spank. Oh and I never ever plan surprise seductions because most days the only way I get to seductive is usually by accident (see first sentence in which I mention being a dork).

Blergh - unhelpful and it, worse still, it completely put me off my lunch. 

Amazon totally owes me £2.35.

*I should state for the record that currently I think I'm totally okay as a step-parent and am really enjoying our lovely blended family. But I figure it can't hurt to know more than I may ever need. Knowledge is power.

**I love how I said that like I go to the library all the time and am a library patron in good standing. We all know the truth, right? I took out a book on the 4th of January and it hasn't quite made its way back yet. I'm going to burn in book hell, I just know it.

***And yes, I know that's not the most flattering photo. Duh. I was emoting, people.

If there's one thing you should know about me that's ever so slightly embarrassing, it's this...

I will listen to ANYTHING that's been autotuned. And I will not just listen to it, I will love it. Adore it. Think it's really excellent music. (I suppose it's something that I can admit that I know it's not, but I kinda like it anyway)

I adore all the geeky Symphony of Science songs (and you should note that I think Stephen Hawking should be permanently autotuned, seeing as he's a robot). I have them on my iPhone... I sing them to myself in my head - and yes, I sing them to myself autotuned.

The Black Eyed Peas AT stuff? Love it.

Then I found AutoTune the News .. HIGHlarious. I mean, who doesn't love an autotuned Katie Couric saying that everything is Pure Poppycock while singing about Bill Cosby? Hmm...?

Knowing me as well as he does - the boyfriendliest partner shared this with me. It satisfies me on so many levels.. The Apprentice? Check. Autotuned? Check check.

Enjoy!

1. I'm an ESFJ on the Myers Briggs personality test.
2. Apparently that makes me sensitive, caring and logical.
3. I am not shy.
4. I am 39 years old, staring a big birthday in the face.
5. I'm cool with said staring.
6. My favourite pizza toppings are beef, green pepper and red onion. It's like eating an unhealthy rainbow.
7. I love to go camping. I am the only person I know who enjoys it.
8. I do not like surprises. At all.
9. My favourite colour combination is pink and green.
10. I discovered that I liked pink and green together while reading The Official Preppy Handbook at age seven.
11. I used to treat The Official Preppy Handbook like a bible. My only copy is well worn and a prized posession.
12. When I was seven I wanted a preppy nickname like Muffy and wanted to go to boarding school.
13. I used to wear sweaters/jumpers over my shoulders.
14. I am originally from Atlanta, Georgia.
15. Until I moved away, I was never proud of being Southern.
16. I am now very proud to be Southern.
17. I am Southern, not Country or a Redneck. There's a difference.
18. Soul and Southern food are the same. Some call it country cooking or cracker cooking. I just think it all tastes good.
19. I like green beans, but only Southern ones that have been cooked for hours at a time.
20. I love math and was on the Mathlete squad in high school. This fact makes me laugh out loud to this very day. Competitive math. Awesome.
21. I love to remind my children that I was a Mathlete. I encourage them to do algebraic equations and proofs with me for fun.
22. My children humour me.
23. I was also the president of the Latin club, treasurer of the school council, in the science club, Key Club, a State officer of the International Thespian Society and for a brief semester in the Future Homemakers of America club.
24. The Future Homemakers of America is now called Family, Career and Community Leaders of America club. I never had any interest in being a leader of family, career or community - I was automatically enrolled because I took a HomeEc class.
25. I have weird musical tastes.
26. I love Lady Gaga and Neil Diamond equally.
27. Not many people know how odd I can be.
28. I work in a very corporate environment.
29. My freak flag does not fly high while I'm at work.
30. I have a therapist and I'm not afraid to use her.
31. The hardest thing for me to accept/deal with is rejection.
32. I am a Scorpio.
33. Apparently being a Scorpio makes me a jealous but sexy person.
34. I am 5'5" tall but feel shorter than that some days.
35. I lost eight stone about four years ago, which is like losing the equivalent of another human being.
36. I liked clothes shopping a lot more when I was larger.
37. I hate it now but appreciate that it's cool to be able to buy things in any store, not just the fat lady ones.
38. Only I'm allowed to make fun of how big I used to be.
39. My second biggest pet peeve is passive agressive behaviour.
40. My biggest pet peeve is chaos.
41. It's not a bad thing to live by a schedule, even if it's a loose one.
42. I am a nerd.
43. I love my gadgets, but not more than people.
44. No one should ever love gadgets more than people.
45. I put my right foot in my tights/jeans/trousers/underpants first. Without exception.
46. My favourite non-alcoholic drink is sweet tea.
47. Where I'm from, we call sweet tea the champagne of the south.
48. I do not drink sweet tea in the UK. This means I rarely drink sweet tea at all but I can still taste it like I had it five minutes ago.
49. My soft drink of choice is Pepsi Max mixed with sugar-free Red Bull.
50. I'm currently on the wagon, taking a big break from drinking alcohol.
51. I used to drink a lot of vodka.
52. I'm fun but stupid when I'm drunk.
53. My favourite flower is the peony. It used to be the tulip.
54. I have the most awesome boyfriend in the world. I could fill up numbers 55-100 telling you about our relationship.
55. Our relationship is private and none of your beeswax. This is the first time I've been protective of a major relationship.
56. I love my children very, very much.
57. My favourite book ever is A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving.
58. I wear a size 7 shoe. I think this might mean I have slightly big feet.
59. I bit my nails for 38 years. I don't any more.
60. I stopped biting my nails because the state of my hands embarrassed me but it wasn't until I really loved the person holding my hand that I stopped.
61. My parents divorced last year. I felt like the world as I knew it stopped spinning for a bit.
62. There are days when I don't handle their split very well.
63. There are days I forget that it's happened. It's easy to ignore sometimes as I'm 4,332 miles away from what I knew as home.
64. I have been married twice and divorced twice.
65. I am not in a hurry to get married again but I'd never say never.
66. It feels weird to have two failed marriages behind me.
67. I like video games but will only play puzzle or logic games. Or DJ Hero.
68. I like to watch other people play first person action video games. I've tried to play them but am rubbish with making my eyeball controller and my feet controller coordinate their actions.
69. I didn't eat spaghetti or mashed potatoes until I was 25.
70. I recently developed the urge to be domestic. I love to clean the bathroom - this works well for our family.
71. I am looking forward to moving house at some point. I would really love to have a garden complete with BBQ and green space for the short people.
72. I'll eat most anything if it's been cooked on a BBQ.
73. My boyfriend will tell you that I'll eat anything with BBQ sauce on it. He's not that wrong.
74. I would not eat fish with BBQ sauce on it. I dislike most things from the sea.
75. I do not like to swim or stick any of my body parts where a fish might touch them.
76. I do not trust fish.
77. I am very pale and do not tan. I burn. It's not hot.
78. I like to wear comfortable shoes.
79. This does not make me a lesbian.
80. I have very little athletic talent.
81. I was what my mother called 'an indoor child' growing up. I did not play sports. I read, drew and dorked about on my own.
82. I slightly push my daughter towards atheletics as I'm trying to make sure she has a chance to be active and/or healthfully competitive.
83. I like American football. I root for the Atlanta Falcons but am mostly interested in college football.
84. I went to the University of Georgia. I'm proud to be an alumni and even have a few UGA t-shirts that I wear every now and again. Go dawgs.
85. I love to take road trips with my boyfriend. We travel well together and both love quirky, off beat roadside attractions.
86. We also love 70's Elvis.
87. I've had one round of Botox in my forehead. I liked it but refused to fork out the dosh needed to keep up the treatments.  
88. I'm secretly hoping for a puppy for my 40th birthday. This will not happen.
89. I went to summer camp from the age of six to 16. I worked at summer camps from the age of 16 to 22.
90. I get a major boner thinking of one day owning my own summer camp.
91. I love to sleep under a heavy, homemade quilt. The one on our bed has been deemed 'The Waltons Blanket' and ends up only on my side a lot.
92. I was a Girl Scout until I was 12. I was competitive with cookie sales and earning badges.
93. I love to watch crappy television. America's Next Top Model, Toddlers and Tiaras, Dog the Bounty Hunter and The Dog Whisperer are my kinda things.
94. I'd like to move to the middle of nowhere with my family in tow and completely drop off the grid. 
95. I do not like working for the man. I'd like to figure out a way to survive financially while doing something I really love. 
96. My favourite movie of all time is Meatballs. It's about a summer camp - go figure.
97. I've only recently learned to play online Poker.
98. I always have a glass/cup/mug/to-go cup of some kind of drink with me. Always. It's a Southern thing.
99. I love modern art, especially Lichetenstein. I dislike Rothko immensely.
100. Someone once told me that if my life were a sit-com, they'd watch it. I found this interesting but not flattering.

My daughter has started saying 'oh, POOP' a lot.. Wonder where she gets it from?

Science, what is it all about? Is it good or is it wank?

Will computers ever be able to figure out 9,999,999,999 multiplied by 9,999,999 is?

Yes.

There are 145.9 days until my 40th birthday..

What's that? I don't look old enough to be staring the four-oh (or my preference, the big four-oh-fucking-shit-how-did-this-happen) in the face? You're kind, friend.. Real, real kind.

I'd like to thank the Academy, my parents for a decent gene pool and Garnier Ultra-Lift moisturiser. Okay, who am I kidding? I'd really like to thank all the little people that I've stepped on en route to the age that apparently is the new 30 or 20 or whatever people are saying these days.

Can I just take the time to say that I don't really care that 40 is the new 30 because uh, I thought 30 was old when it was the new 20. Call me when 40 is the new 18. Saying that - my life really found awesome in the last year, so maybe 40 is really only the new 39?

Ponderous.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes - I was about to say fuck it - I have 145.9 (probably 149.8 by now) days to worry about whatever the 'essence of 40' is and what that means to me and how it will affect me. I'm guessing it won't make that much difference. But if it does, please don't remind me that I said it wouldn't.

Thanks.

Anyway.. what I really wanted to talk about is cooking and puppies and what sort of trouble the boyfriendliest and I should try to find over the upcoming weekend while balancing the needs of three people under 5'2".

In other words, I'm going to ignore the next 145.9 days. Although, I suppose a bit of cake pre-planning wouldn't hurt!

Speaking of cake - the only cake I will deign to eat is red velvet but only in the form of a cupcake and even then I will only eat half. I know, I know.. Trust me, I'm not trying to be cake-ist, it's just not my thing.

Oh and.. Apparently pie is the new cupcake just like 40 is the new 30. I'm guessing the cupcakes of the world are fucking thrilled to hear that they're no longer cool. Poor cupcakes, it was fun while it lasted, huh?

Ooh!  Remember how Turducken was all the rage about four Thanksgivings and Christmasses ago? (so popular that you can now order a ready-made turducken from Marks & Spencer because who doesn't love mass-produced combined meat products?) Well now there's Cherpumple - three cakes and three pies in one. A cherry pie baked inside a chocolate cake, an apple pie baked inside a yellow cake, and a pumpkin pie baked inside a gingerbread cake.

A vomit baked inside a fart would suit me better. Ick.

Have you heard about the sex scandal featuring Anthony Weiner, a member of the US House of Representatives...? He's a democrat (one of my people, I'll happily admit) and he's in some deep mother-effing trouble. Heh.. I just got to type weiner.

Weiner, Weiner, Weiner.

Weiner admitted June 6 in New York that he engaged in "inappropriate conversations" with six women over the last three years, including by e-mail, on Facebook and Twitter, and on the telephone with one of the women. He was quoted by the New York Post on June 9 as saying he had no plans to give up his House seat.

Friday night on Real Time with Bill Maher, he and "Jane Lynch performed a dramatic (and totally, awkwardly verbatim) reading of Anthony Weiner’s Facebook exchanges with Las Vegas blackjack dealer Lisa Weiss, complete with flirtatious looks, moaning, and Jane Lynch’s smooth comic brilliance. And trust us, when you have a script this good, it doesn’t matter that Maher is giggling uncontrollably to himself. Click through to watch the video, but be warned: as you might expect, the audio is definitely NSFW." (from Flavorwire) (Full transcript of the saucy naughtiness here)

Oh how I giggled.



ps - My throat and entire left side of my head hurts. Please send help, preferably in the form some kind of chocolate and peanut butter combination. xoxo